section of LIVE HERE GO HOME

section of LIVE HERE GO HOME
© Anne Catherine de Mare. All rights reserved. Contact Information.

Inside of a house. Lots of walls. No windows. A number of very small doors, one of which leads to the outside world. There are beds, bathtubs, refrigerators, overstuffed chairs, sinks, radiators, and chandeliers jumbled up all over the place. No respect for what belongs next to what. Disconcerting, yet homey. There is a big pit somewhere in the middle of it all. A big scary pit.

CLYDE sits in an upholstered chair that is not quite on the floor. Dressed in a tee shirt and brown old man pants, he wears small dark glasses and smokes a cigarette. He is strong as an ox, but rarely moves a muscle. Next to him is a small table with a bottle of whiskey, two shot glasses, and a hotel desk bell.

Somewhere slightly in the background the DAMNED MAN is pulling on big black rubber boots, big black rubber gloves, and goggles, preparing himself for something he doesn't want to do.

Somewhere farther in the background USEFUL is silently dragging a broken vacuum cleaner towards the pit. She wears a white apron and yellow rubber gloves.

MRS. KATZENHEIMER sits on a porch swing somewhere high up. An ancient and beautiful creature, she wears a gay floral dress, a hat with flowers, and a pale veil. We shouldn't notice her until later in the play, but she is there from the top.

There is a long silence. CLYDE slowly pours a drink, downs it in one shot, sets the glass down, and is motionless again. Another long silence.

CLYDE
It's gonna be bad today. I can feel it. Bad. Somedays it's worse than others, and then somedays it's not so bad. A week ago thursday wasn't bad at all. 'Course it never gets downright good no more. No. But still, somedays it's not so bad. In the mornings, that's when you see it most. And then of course around now, around now it can get real bad. Sometimes it don't come at all in the evenings, and then sometimes that's when it comes the worst. You can't never tell. But it's going to be bad today. Real bad. I can feel it in my bones.

USEFUL dumps the vacuum cleaner into the pit. A clock strikes five. The DAMNED MAN stands. USEFUL silently drops to her knees. An animal scream offstage. A dead cat falls from the ceiling and lands flat on the floor with a thud. CLYDE hits the hotel desk bell on the table by his chair. The DAMNED MAN runs over, grabs the dead cat by the tail and runs off with it. Another animal scream offstage. Another dead cat falls. CLYDE hits the bell, the DAMNED MAN rushes in and out with the dead cat. Another animal scream, etc. CLYDE pauses only for the clock to strike five, then continues to talk, hitting the bell each time a dead cat drops from the sky.

CLYDE
Used to be, you didn't see a thing like this, no, only once in a great while would you see something like this, and now, now you don't see much else. Had no idea how many cats there were till this started happening. Would never have believed it. Course it don't make much sense. People given up on the whole idea of sense these days. You got to. Shit happening like this for no damned reason. Weird shit for no damned reason. Not much you can do about it neither, just try to keep up. Yeah, that's what it's all about now, keeping up. No dignity. No dignity in it at all. Nobody's got no dignity no more. Nope. If I'd have been running the world these past fifty years, well, we wouldn't be in this mess, I'll tell you that. Some other kind maybe, but not this one, no. What a mess!

A gigantic crashing sound, followed by silence, then crickets. The DAMNED MAN collapses on the floor, exhausted. USEFUL falls like a rag doll. CLYDE pours a drink, slowly.

CLYDE
You need a shower. (the DAMNED MAN groans) Go on, get moving. Bad enough we got to go through that crap twice a day, I don't need to smell the shit for the rest of the night.

The DAMNED MAN stands and stumbles over to CLYDE, who hands him a drink. He downs it in one shot and exits. CLYDE pours another drink. USEFUL stands and faces the audience.

USEFUL
That wasn't so bad. It's been much worse. I think it's getting better. Sometimes I'm not sure if it's getting better or worse, but today I think it's getting better.

CLYDE downs the second drink in one shot. We hear a shower turn on, and opera music. A baritone is singing. USEFUL takes off her rubber gloves.

USEFUL
We need to thank heaven we're still here, that's what we need to do. No sense in thinking about certain things. None at all. We're still here and we're all together and another day is done. I'll thank my lucky stars and might say a prayer tonight. The day is done. Another day is done.

A toaster bursts into flames for no reason at all. USEFUL picks it up and tosses it into the pit. She pours herself a cup of coffee, sits down at the table and pulls out a deck of cards. She begins to play solitaire. She has never won a game in her life.

CLYDE
Bill stopped by this afternoon.

USEFUL
Which Bill?

CLYDE
Tall Bill.

USEFUL
Oh. (a pause) What did he want?

CLYDE
Bob died last night.

Everything stops for a moment, then USEFUL continues with her cards.

USEFUL
I'm sorry about that.

CLYDE
Good man, Bob.

USEFUL
Yes.

CLYDE
Course he hadn't been himself lately.

USEFUL
No.

CLYDE
That's how you know they're gonna go you know, when they stop being themselves.

USEFUL
Yes.

CLYDE
Still, it's a shame.

USEFUL
Terrible.

CLYDE
Funeral's tomorrow.

A pause. USEFUL is losing her game.

USEFUL
You gonna go?

CLYDE
Course not.

USEFUL
You should.

CLYDE
That don't mean nothing.

USEFUL
He's the third one this month with you not going.

CLYDE
I'm not going.

USEFUL
It don't look right.

CLYDE
People know I don't go. It's nothing new.

USEFUL
People forget.

CLYDE
People are idiots.

USEFUL has lost her game. She screams and throws the cards on the floor. The shower and opera music cut out.

CLYDE
I told you not to play that game anymore.

The DAMNED MAN returns in a bathrobe with a huge notebook jammed with scraps of paper. He slams the book down on the table.

DAMNED MAN
I got the book. (no one responds) I got the book.

CLYDE
Big deal.

USEFUL
It's a horrible book!

DAMNED MAN
It's OUR book!

CLYDE
Oh yes the book, the book, God bless the damned book!

DAMNED MAN
(writing) March 15th, 1997, entry number 3,206. (he looks at them) Well?

USEFUL
Why do we need to do this?

DAMNED MAN
What happened today?

USEFUL
It doesn't change anything.

DAMNED MAN
Tell me what happened today.

USEFUL
I don't think we need to do this.

DAMNED MAN
(standing, a threat) You want me to start reading?!

USEFUL bursts out in tears.

CLYDE
Play fair.

DAMNED MAN
Sorry.

CLYDE
You should be.

A pause. USEFUL collects herself.

DAMNED MAN
You ready now?

USEFUL
I think so.

DAMNED MAN
Go ahead.

USEFUL
(sniffling) Well, the toaster blew up.

CLYDE
Bathroom ceiling fell down.

USEFUL
Short circuit in the vacuum.

CLYDE
Got another boil on my ass.

USEFUL
The table leg's loose.

CLYDE
The window won't close.

USEFUL
The bird died.

DAMNED MAN
And?

A pause. All look up into the ceiling with a sense of doom.

CLYDE
And sixteen cats.

DAMNED MAN
Sixteen?

CLYDE
Sixteen.

USEFUL
Less than yesterday?

DAMNED MAN
No. Two more.

A pause.

CLYDE
What's the total on those cats?

DAMNED MAN
Eleven thousand six hundred and forty three.

CLYDE
I'll be damned.

The DAMNED MAN slams the book closed. USEFUL turns her back. The WALKING GIRL hurls a door open and steps onto the stage. She is dressed with the air of an English explorer, but her attire is more gauzy somehow, and very worn. She carries her boots in her hand. No one notices her.

WALKING GIRL
I'm back. I swore I wouldn't be back. I thought I'd never be back. And I'm back. Back stinks. I'll stay here this night again, like all the other nights, I'll stay this night again and perhaps tomorrow, perhaps tomorrow I'll get my boots on. (they still have not noticed her) I'M BACK!

They notice her.

DAMNED MAN
We had sixteen cats tonight.

WALKING GIRL
Big deal.

The DAMNED MAN turns away from her.

USEFUL
You want coffee? I made a fresh pot. I could get you a cup. It wouldn't be any trouble. No trouble at all. I'd like to get you a cup of coffee.

WALKING GIRL
No thanks.

USEFUL
You could tell us all about your day. It would be nice. To hear about your day, over a cup of coffee. It's what I've been waiting for since you left this morning, to sit over a cup of coffee and hear about your day when you came home. I've been waiting all day for it. Let me get you a cup. Please.

WALKING GIRL
I don't want a cup of coffee!

A crashing sound. The HANDY MAN enters up through the pit, casually, like he's always been there. He is dirty, sweaty, and smiling. USEFUL screams and backs away from him. The WALKING GIRL freezes. The DAMNED MAN is ready to pounce, but CLYDE holds his ground.

HANDY MAN
That smells terrific! Could I have a cup? (a pause) The coffee?

CLYDE
We don't take to strangers around here.

HANDY MAN
No?

CLYDE
We don't take to strangers at all.

HANDY MAN
That mean you won't spare me a cup of coffee?

CLYDE
I think you know what that means.

A pause.

HANDY MAN
Guess I'll be leaving then, if nobody's gonna stop me. (he looks straight at the WALKING GIRL) Anybody gonna stop me?

A pause. He turns around and jumps back into the pit. Another crashing sound. The DAMNED MAN rushes over to look. The WALKING GIRL sits down a little too fast.

USEFUL
That was bad.

DAMNED MAN
(amazed) He's gone!

USEFUL
That was a bad thing.

CLYDE
Where the hell is that dog?!

DAMNED MAN
We don't have a dog.

WALKING GIRL
Who was that?

USEFUL, very uptight about the situation, pulls out another deck of cards and begins to play solitaire.

USEFUL
Never mind who that was dear, just go and get some rest.

WALKING GIRL
I don't want any rest.

USEFUL
But you look so tired.

WALKING GIRL
I DON'T WANT ANY REST!

CLYDE
For all we know, the man could be living down there!

DAMNED MAN
No one could live down there.

CLYDE
People can live anywhere.

WALKING GIRL
I think I've seen him before.

USEFUL
GO TO BED!

WALKING GIRL
I'm not GOING TO BED.

USEFUL
You've had a long day! Walking all around! You've had a very long day! It's time you WENT TO BED.

WALKING GIRL
What do you know about the kind of day I had? You don't know shit about the kind of day I had. You want to know what kind of day I had? I never even got my boots on!

She storms out. A door slams somewhere.

DAMNED MAN
Beautiful! Just beautiful!

He storms out. A door slams somewhere else. USEFUL is madly playing cards.

CLYDE
A man just popped out of the floor here! Has everyone gone completely off their nut?

USEFUL
She can't take much more you know.

CLYDE
She can take more than you think.

USEFUL
She shouldn't have to.

CLYDE
Shouldn't wouldn't couldn't don't mean nothing and you know it. I could live all day like you, in the would-be could-be should-be world without ever getting the laundry done!

USEFUL
Like you ever do the laundry!

CLYDE
Just get me a cup of coffee.

USEFUL
Get it yourself.

She throws the cards on the floor and storms out. Another door slams. Big Band music comes up, loud.

CLYDE
Always comes back to this, don't it? Always comes back to me sitting here with the place in an uproar. Nobody talking to nobody, doors slamming all over the place, and the whole damned evening ahead of us here, the whole damned night. Dinner ain't never getting fixed. Might as well starve to death. Lousy God-damned planet. Lousy God-damned sorry-assed planet.

The doorbell rings. Loud. Big Band music cuts out. VISITOR ONE enters. He carries a bunch of ridiculous flowers.

CLYDE
Evening Mel.

VISITOR ONE
My name ain't Mel.

CLYDE
Should be.

VISITOR ONE
Thought I'd stop by, see how things are.

CLYDE
You bring anything to eat?

VISITOR ONE
Course not. Flowers.

CLYDE
What do I want with flowers?

VISITOR ONE
They're not for you. (a pause) Mind if I get me a cup of coffee?

CLYDE
Help yourself.

Banjo music comes up. VISITOR ONE pours himself a cup of coffee. CLYDE pours himself a drink.

VISITOR ONE
Shame about Bob.

CLYDE
Good man, Bob.

VISITOR ONE
The best. Makes a person think.

CLYDE
I suppose.

VISITOR ONE
You feeling alright these days?

CLYDE
Nope.

VISITOR ONE
Me neither.

CLYDE downs the drink in one shot. A pause.

CLYDE
You know, the damnedest thing just happened.

VISITOR ONE
You don't say?

CLYDE
Damnedest thing. I'm sitting here, having myself a quiet evening at home, and this guy just pops out of the floor and asks for a cup of coffee. Can you believe that! Nice lookin guy, but still...

VISITOR ONE
Out of the floor?

CLYDE
And asks for a cup of coffee!

VISITOR ONE
Damnedest thing!

CLYDE
What do you make of it?

VISITOR ONE
You give him any?

CLYDE
Course not.

VISITOR ONE
Good.

A pause.

CLYDE
Still, I don't like it.

VISITOR ONE
He's gone now, isn't he?

CLYDE
Course he is. Can't stand for a thing like that. We kicked him out.

VISITOR ONE
Physically?

CLYDE
He left peaceful, but I didn't like the way he just popped up like that.

VISITOR ONE
You should get a gun.

CLYDE
I can't figure how he got in here.

VISITOR ONE
A man needs a gun these days.

CLYDE
I just can't figure it.

VISITOR ONE
I got a gun.

CLYDE
We're not talking about you.

VISITOR ONE
What are we talking about?

CLYDE
My intruder!

A pause.

VISITOR ONE
He's gone now, isn't he?

CLYDE
Went back where he came from.

VISITOR ONE
Back into the floor?

CLYDE
Yep.

A pause.

VISITOR ONE
If that's not the damnedest thing.

CLYDE
I mean, what the hell did the guy want? Popping up out of the floor like that?

VISITOR ONE
He asked for a cup of coffee, right?

CLYDE
Yes.

VISITOR ONE
Maybe the guy wanted a cup of coffee.

CLYDE
Nobody only wants a cup of coffee.

VISITOR ONE
I only want a cup of coffee.

CLYDE
Yeah right.

A pause.

VISITOR ONE
I'll be damned.

CLYDE
You see what I mean?

VISITOR ONE
Shows you what the world is coming to.

CLYDE
Yep.

VISITOR ONE
You bet.

MRS. KATZENHEIMER screams a horrible scream. Banjo music cuts out. VISITOR ONE stands up.

VISITOR ONE
Got to be going now.

CLYDE
Yes, I suppose, almost suppertime.

VISITOR ONE
Yes. (an uncomfortable pause) So long.

VISITOR ONE puts the flowers on the table and leaves. A loud crashing noise. USEFUL enters, dusting herself off from some unseen disaster. She sees the flowers.

USEFUL
How sweet!

CLYDE
Mel stopped by.

USEFUL
I'll have to return the favor.

CLYDE
The hell you will.

A pause.

USEFUL
Sorry. I forgot.

CLYDE
You always forget. And you forgot to give the old lady a cup of coffee.

USEFUL
I didn't forget.

CLYDE
You know how she gets when she doesn't get a cup of coffee.

USEFUL
Of course I know.

CLYDE
So give her a cup.

USEFUL
You give her a cup. (CLYDE stares her down, she takes MRS. KATZENHEIMER a cup of coffee) I don't know what you think you're doing. Some crazy old lady in a swing, it's not like she's family or nothing, downright stupid if you ask me.

CLYDE
Shut up.

USEFUL
She's got a story you know, people like her always do, she's got some story and it's BAD NEWS. You keep giving her coffee, she's never gonna leave.

CLYDE
The boy likes her.

USEFUL
The boy is downright strange and you know it.

CLYDE
I like her.

USEFUL
Why?

CLYDE
I'm not talking about this.

USEFUL
There's something you're not telling me here. Definitely something you're not telling me and I don't like it.

CLYDE
What you like and what you don't doesn't matter one little bit here! We're not going to talk any more about Mrs. Katzenheimer, can't you see you're upsetting her!

MRS. KATZENHEIMER screams again. The DAMNED MAN rushes onstage.

DAMNED MAN
Who's upsetting her?

CLYDE
Who do you think?

DAMNED MAN
What do you have to go upsetting her for?

USEFUL
What about me! I'm pretty upset myself!

CLYDE and
DAMNED MAN
(in unison) That is not the point!

MRS. KATZENHEIMER screams again. The DAMNED MAN climbs up to her swing and puts his arms around her, rocking her back and forth.

MRS. KATZ.
I loved a man once a hundred years ago, and I still cry for him every night. I cry for him with a lump of sadness in my throat that never gets smaller. I still feel butterflies in what used to rest between my legs, I still play the scenes over and over in my head and it still after all these years, after all my life, it still makes me want to scream.

MRS. KATZENHEIMER screams again. USEFUL pulls out another deck of cards and begins to play.

DAMNED MAN
Tell me the story. (MRS. KATZENHEIMER does not answer) You never tell me the story.

MRS. KATZ.
What story?

DAMNED MAN
About what happened.

MRS. KATZ.
When?

DAMNED MAN
You and your lover.

MRS. KATZ.
There is no story.

DAMNED MAN
Something must've happened.

MRS. KATZ.
Nothing happened. Something doesn't always have to happen.

DAMNED MAN
But you loved him so much.

MRS. KATZENHEIMER screams again.

USEFUL
She isn't really your grandmother you know!

DAMNED MAN
I know!

The WALKING GIRL enters.

WALKING GIRL
I've seen that man before, the man you don't want me to think about. I've seen him before.

USEFUL
He just looked like someone else.

WALKING GIRL
He didn't look like someone else. No one looks like someone else. Not when they look at you like that.

USEFUL
I'm going to make dinner. You all need dinner God damn it, and I'm going to make it!

USEFUL throws the cards on the floor and stands. A huge crashing sound. The HANDY MAN reappears out of the pit. He isn't smiling. USEFUL screams. The HANDY MAN walks right over to the WALKING GIRL and looks at her in a way that embarrasses everyone on stage.

HANDY MAN
You should have stopped me.

CLYDE
I thought I told you...

HANDY MAN
I don't listen to people who won't spare me a cup of coffee. (still looking at the WALKING GIRL) You should have stopped me from leaving. I saw you and I wanted to take you and smash you against the floor over and over and over until every little inch of you was separate from the others. I wanted to smash you to little tiny pieces on the floor and look at them a long time. I wanted to figure out all the gears and switches and parts that used to rub up against each other inside of you. I wanted to take you all to pieces and take each little piece and rub it clean, until it shined, I wanted to rub all your little pieces till they glistened in my hands and then I wanted to screw you back together again. And you just stood there.

A long tense pause. No one says anything. The HANDY MAN turns around and jumps back into the pit. The WALKING GIRL stands frozen.

CLYDE
Why didn't you do something?!

DAMNED MAN
What could I do?

USEFUL
I am going to scream.

CLYDE
We can't stand for a thing like that!

The WALKING GIRL starts to put her boots on.

DAMNED MAN
What did you want me to do?

USEFUL
I swear it! I'm going to scream!

MRS. KATZENHEIMER screams instead.

CLYDE
Cowards! A bunch of fucking cowards! That's what I live with, cowards and dead cats!

WALKING GIRL
I have to go now. I have to go and never come back.

DAMNED MAN
No! You can't!

An animal scream. A single dead cat falls. Everyone stops. It wasn't supposed to happen. A long pause. Opera music, very soft.

WALKING GIRL
I really have to go.

The WALKING GIRL walks out the door. Opera music swells. Another animal scream, another dead cat, another animal scream, another dead cat as the people on stage watch motionless and the lights fade to black.

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