section of LUCKY MAN

section of LUCKY MAN
© Anne Catherine de Mare. All rights reserved. Contact Information.

An airport. The LUCKY MAN stands next to his suitcase. A very small man, a VERY ODD MAN, enters and sidles up to the LUCKY MAN. He gets too close.

VERY ODD MAN
Where do you think you're going?

LUCKY MAN
I beg your pardon?

VERY ODD MAN
Where do you think you're going?

LUCKY MAN
I don't understand.

VERY ODD MAN
Where the hell do you think you're going?!

LUCKY MAN
Kansas City. Kansas City, Kansas.

VERY ODD MAN
Oh. Well then. You're not the man I was looking for.

LUCKY MAN
I didn't think so.

VERY ODD MAN
A shame, really, a good-looking man like you, a healthy-looking man, very smart too, I'd guess..

LUCKY MAN
(moving away) Yes, well...

VERY ODD MAN
(following him, too close) You're sure it's Kansas City?

LUCKY MAN
Yes.

VERY ODD MAN
Oh. (pause) Well, in case you change your mind. (hands him a large wad of cash) No strings attached.

LUCKY MAN
But...

VERY ODD MAN
No need to thank me now, you can thank me later. (insidious wink)

LUCKY MAN
I don't think...

VERY ODD MAN
I'll be seeing you, later, later...

The VERY ODD MAN disappears. A pause. The LUCKY MAN puts the money in his pocket. It feels good. Another pause. The STRANGE WOMAN enters, a rope tied around her waist. The rope pulls tight, she falls. She gets up, tugs on rope, falls again. She remains stock still. A pause. An extremely attractive SEX KITTEN enters, dressed in a negligee. She walks right up to the LUCKY MAN.

SEX KITTEN
Hello.

LUCKY MAN
Hello.

SEX KITTEN
So. What does it all add up to?

LUCKY MAN
I beg your pardon?

SEX KITTEN
What does it all add up to?

LUCKY MAN
I don't understand.

SEX KITTEN
At the end of the day, what does it all add up to?

LUCKY MAN
I don't know.

SEX KITTEN
Oh. Well then. You're not the man I'm looking for.

LUCKY MAN
I guess not.

SEX KITTEN
A shame, really. A good-looking man like you, a healthy-looking man, a really big penis too, I'd guess.

LUCKY MAN
I beg your pardon?

SEX KITTEN
You're sure you don't know?

LUCKY MAN
What?

SEX KITTEN
What it all adds up to!

LUCKY MAN
I don't know what you're talking about.

SEX KITTEN
Oh, well, you'll probably be wanting this anyway. (rips her heart out of her chest and hands it to him) No strings attached.

LUCKY MAN
No.. really...

SEX KITTEN
In case you change your mind. I'll be seeing you again, at the end of the day, when it all adds up, I'll be seeing you. Later.

She disappears. A pause. The LUCKY MAN takes out a handkerchief and carefully wraps up the heart. He puts it in his pocket. It feels good. Another pause. The STRANGE WOMAN stands again, tugs on rope, falls again. Yet another pause. A family, HUSBAND, WIFE, BOY, and GIRL enter, walking very quickly until they are in place, then all stop.

WIFE
Well.

HUSBAND
We're here.

The children pull out a television set, plop down, and click it on with a remote control.

WIFE
We almost didn't make it.

HUSBAND
We made it.

WIFE
We almost didn't.

HUSBAND
We're here, aren't we?

WIFE
What if we didn't make it? What would we have done then? Huh? Don't have an answer for that one, do you?!

The HUSBAND slaps the WIFE across her face, hard. Loud canned laughter emits from the television screen.

HUSBAND
Checklist!

WIFE
We did it at home!

Another slap.

HUSBAND
We're going to do it again. (the children turn the volume up, more canned laughter) Tickets?

WIFE
Check.

HUSBAND
Traveler's checks?

WIFE
Check.

HUSBAND
Credit card?

WIFE
Check.

HUSBAND
Gold card?

WIFE
Check.

HUSBAND
Stocks?

WIFE
Check.

HUSBAND
Bonds?

WIFE
Check.

HUSBAND
Negotiable securities?

WIFE
Check.

HUSBAND
Emergency cash?

WIFE
Check.

HUSBAND
Breath mints?

WIFE
Oh.

HUSBAND
What?

WIFE
I forgot the breath mints.

HUSBAND
For God's sake woman!

WIFE
I'll go get some.

HUSBAND
Where? Where are you going to get breath mints at a time like this?!

WIFE
At the newsstand.

HUSBAND
There's not time!

WIFE
And who's fault is that?

A brutal fight ensues. The children keep turning up the volume on the canned laughter until the television explodes. The BOY and GIRL stand up, outraged.

GIRL
Oh God!

BOY
Not again!

GIRL
I can't take anymore.

BOY
It's all they ever do.

GIRL
Bicker...

BOY
Nag...

GIRL
Scream...

BOY
Yell...

GIRL
Rape...

BOY
Maim...

GIRL
Kill...

BOY
The same damned thing.

GIRL
Over and over.

BOY
Now look what they've done! (pointing at television)

GIRL
How could they?

BOY
What about us!

GIRL
Don't they see what they're doing to us?!

BOY
Don't they care?!

GIRL
We'll be damaged!

BOY
For life!

GIRL
Psychopaths!

BOY
Murderers!

GIRL
It won't be our fault.

BOY
Who could blame us?

GIRL
Look what they're doing to us!

BOY
The pain!

GIRL
The trauma!

BOY
The confusion!

GIRL
We can't let it happen.

BOY
We've got to take control of our own destiny!

GIRL
Ready...

BOY
Set...

BOY & GIRL
(in unison) GO!!!!

They pull out semi-automatic weapons and riddle their fighting parents with bullets, killing them dead on the spot.

LUCKY MAN
My God!

GIRL
Well.

BOY
That's over with.

STRANGE WOMAN
Patience is no longer a virtue.

BOY & GIRL
(in unison, sobbing) We're ORPHANS!!!!!

The STRANGE WOMAN stands, pulls on rope, falls. A pause. The LUCKY MAN looks at his watch.

LUCKY MAN
Can I ask you a question?

STRANGE WOMAN
Why?

LUCKY MAN
You seem different from the rest.

STRANGE WOMAN
I am, just a little, but I am.

LUCKY MAN
Can I ask you where you're going?

STRANGE WOMAN
I'm don't know where I'm going.

LUCKY MAN
Oh.

STRANGE WOMAN
I'm making my own way.

LUCKY MAN
You're not getting very far.

STRANGE WOMAN
I'm looking for something.

LUCKY MAN
What?

STRANGE WOMAN
Oh, I'd like to find some flowers, some wild ones, just growing out of the ground, blown there, not planted, I'm looking for something honest left in this world. (pause) I'm trying to find a place to be unsafe in.

LUCKY MAN
Oh.

STRANGE WOMAN
I guess you're not interested.

LUCKY MAN
A nice idea, but it seems like too much trouble.

STRANGE WOMAN
Everything is just as much trouble as everything else, it's just that sometimes, they make you forget the trouble you're in.

The STRANGE WOMAN stands, pulls on rope, falls, remains stock still. An OLD MAN enters in a clean cream-colored linen suit, a straw hat, and suspenders. He walks over to the BOY and GIRL.

OLD MAN
Hello little ones. Had a rough day?

BOY & GIRL
(in unison) WE'RE ORPHANS!!!

OLD MAN
Well, buck up, life is longer than you think. (pause) Say, how would you two like to call me Grandpa?

BOY & GIRL
(in unison) Oh yes!

OLD MAN
I'll take you out for some ice cream and we can throw stones at the colored people?

BOY & GIRL
(in unison) Yes, please!

OLD MAN
Come on then, pick yourselves up, wipe yourselves off, and start all over again. (hands his handkerchief to little GIRL) You've got a little blood on your face sweetie, clean it off for Grandpa.

The OLD MAN exits, the BOY and the GIRL each holding one of his hands, perhaps they sing a little song. The STRANGE WOMAN stands, pulls on rope, falls, stands again.

LUCKY MAN
Nice old guy, to go out of his way like that!

STRANGE WOMAN
You think so?

LUCKY MAN
Don't you?

STRANGE WOMAN
I don't think I want to talk to you anymore.

LUCKY MAN
Why not?

STRANGE WOMAN
A man with no vision is like a day on the beach, you lose track of the time, and then you get burned.

She pulls on rope, falls, remains stock still. The LUCKY MAN is offended, picks up his suitcase and moves away from her. The JANITOR, in coveralls, with a broom enters, looks at the dead parents on the ground.

JANITOR
Great, just great, always on my shift! Why is it always on my shift?! (amplified electronically) CLEAN UP ON AISLE SEVENTEEN!

Blackout.

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