section of RAT TRAP

section of RAT TRAP
© Anne Catherine de Mare. All rights reserved. Contact Information.

A cavernous factory, long out of use. A serious badass ultimately American dump, chock full of machine parts, broken furniture, appliances, car parts, oil drums, crates and boxes with dubious labeling, an extravaganza of unidentifiable and dangerous looking "stuff". There is a profusion of ladders, catwalks and balconies, also crowded with "stuff", breaking up the vertical space. Bare light bulbs and fluorescent light fixtures at different heights are everywhere. Most of them don't work.

There is a huge man-sized basket hanging by ropes centerstage at least eight feet off the stage floor. Next to the basket hang three red cords, clearly numbered 1, 2, & 3. Three doors, also clearly numbered 1, 2, & 3 are lined up against one wall, with a red light over each door. Doors #1 and #2 are closed, red lights on, and Door #3 is open, red light off. Door #1 is covered in cobwebs. Two more doors, one coming out of the floor like a cellar door leading to the kitchen and one up a flight of stairs leading to the outside are on opposite sides of the stage. The lighting should be a deadly rather dim blue/green and feel terribly artificial.

The BASKETCASE is asleep in his basket, a small taxidermied poodle hangs from the edge of the basket by its tail, a sign, reading "LOOKOUT!" hangs from around its neck. Silence. An alarm clock rings.

BASKETCASE
(yawn) The relentless buzz of time moving on. Another day. Another day. They just keep coming. (he shuts off clock, throws it over his shoulder back into the basket, and picks up the dead dog) Anything happen? (no response from dead dog) Of course not. (he takes the "LOOKOUT!" sign from the dog's neck and puts it around his own) I know it's not a real dog, but it used to be. A pathetic little useless dog, but it was a real dog. (pause) You're sure nothing happened? (no response) I WOULDN'T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING!!!

A pause. The BASKETCASE throws the dead dog over his shoulder back into the basket. He picks up a bugle, aims it towards the kitchen door, and blows.

MAMABEAST
(from the kitchen) I'm already awake!

BASKETCASE
Oh for Christ's sake!

MAMABEAST
(off) You knew I'd be up early today.

BASKETCASE
But I'm supposed to wake you up!

MAMABEAST
(off) You were late.

BASKETCASE
I am never late, you were early.

MAMABEAST
(off) It's not a crime.

BASKETCASE
Well it's not fair!

MAMABEAST
(sticking her head out the kitchen door) Listen, I told you last night, I've got a million things to do today and I refuse to be bothered with you. My baby is coming home, I'm out of ammonia, all my sponges are missing, and I've had to chase the rats out of the kitchen twice since the sun came up.

BASKETCASE
Don't talk to me about the rats, I don't want to hear about the rats.

MAMABEAST
You never want to hear about anything. But mark my words, one of these days they're going to get up there to you, and then there'll be no shutting you up.

BASKETCASE
They wouldn't dare!

MAMABEAST
It's only a matter of time.

BASKETCASE
I wouldn't stand for it!

MAMABEAST
I've warned you all, time and time again, nobody wants to listen to the crazy old lady.

BASKETCASE
Just bring me a cup of coffee!

MAMABEAST
Fine.

The MAMABEAST disappears through the kitchen door, slamming it behind her. A pause.

BASKETCASE
Bored. I'm already bored. The sun barely up and the whole thing's already stupid and boring. I hate this. She can't be bothered and I'm left alone with nothing to do first thing in the morning. Fucking women! (he bangs the dead dog in frustration and one of its legs breaks off) Oh shit!

MAMABEAST
(off) What did you do now?

BASKETCASE
Nothing!

He shoves the dead dog down his pants. The MAMABEAST enters with coffee.

MAMABEAST
You had better behave yourself today, you know how he is when he comes home from one of his trips, he's going to be looking for a fight.

BASKETCASE
I'll be good.

MAMABEAST
You know how you get, I don't want any trouble.

BASKETCASE
What am I supposed to do?

MAMABEAST
Drink your coffee.

A pause.

BASKETCASE
Is it time for sex yet?

MAMABEAST
Don't be ridiculous.

BASKETCASE
We could make an exception.

MAMABEAST
No.

BASKETCASE
Please.

MAMABEAST
Amuse yourself somehow, kill some time, I'm cleaning my oven. (she exits)

BASKETCASE
(after a pause) This isn't any fun and my dog is broken!!!

MAMABEAST
(off) Why don't you look out the window?

BASKETCASE
Of course! I'll look out the window!

With a sudden burst of inexplicable energy, the BASKETCASE pulls the three-legged dog out of his pants, places the sign around its neck, puts it back in the lookout position, and dives into the basket headfirst, frantically searching for something. While his head is down, strange rodent-like laughter occurs and there is a mechanical hum, the lights dim, a hook descends from the ceiling, picks up a load of "stuff", and whisks it up out of sight. Once all is quiet again, the BASKETCASE emerges with bunches of binoculars, telescopes, and other viewing devices hanging around his neck.

BASKETCASE
(to dead dog) Anything happen? (no response) Of course not. (takes back sign, throws dead dog over his shoulder) Now. Let's see what is going on. (he aims his telescope at the one window) Nothing... nothing... nothing... there is nothing... (pause) God, I hate this. Nothing... (pause) Nothing... (longer pause) nothing... (he sees something) Well, I'll be damned. (yelling towards kitchen) GET IN HERE! Someone is coming... headed straight for us... getting bigger and bigger and... yes... yes... it's HIM! He's home! Roll out the red carpets! Sound the trumpets! Our bastard's come home!!!

The MAMABEAST rushes in as the BOTTOM LINE enters, he carries a briefcase, a suitcase, and a large red umbrella.

MAMABEAST
(covering him with kisses) Oh sweetheart, thank goodness you're home! How I've missed you!

BOTTOM LINE
Of course.

MAMABEAST
How was the trip?

BOTTOM LINE
I don't want to talk about it.

BASKETCASE
Did you bring me a present?

BOTTOM LINE
No.

MAMABEAST
You can't get discouraged, the summer is always slow.

BOTTOM LINE
Slow is slow and dead is dead.

BASKETCASE
You could've brought me a present.

BOTTOM LINE
Honestly Mama, I've never seen it like this.

MAMABEAST
I'm sure you did your best.

BASKETCASE
I used to bring you presents!

MAMABEAST
Hush yourself!

BOTTOM LINE
You never brought me a damned thing.

MAMABEAST
Let's not fight, please, you just got home, I'll get us some coffee and you can tell me all about your trip.

BOTTOM LINE
You want to know about my trip? I'll tell you about my trip. It was a disaster. Start to finish. Worst one yet. I don't know how anyone expects me to make a living with the crap they hand me.

MAMABEAST
I know you're disappointed dear, but it's never bad as it looks.

BOTTOM LINE
I'm serious, Mama. If they don't give me something decent next time, I'm walking. I mean it. I'm tired of working my ass off with the second rate crap while some Joe know-nothing rakes in the money just cause his daddy's shit don't stink. A couple more trips like this and we can kiss the whole damned thing good-bye.

MAMABEAST
We'll pull through just fine, we always do.

BASKETCASE
If he would stop bellyaching and bring home a decent amount of money we wouldn't be in this mess. I always managed to bring home a decent amount of money, and I brought God-damned presents! Every time!

MAMABEAST
You promised!

BOTTOM LINE
Name one present you ever brought me! Name one!

BASKETCASE
You should be ashamed of yourself!

BOTTOM LINE
I should be ashamed? I should be ashamed? I'm the only thing holding your head above water old man!

BASKETCASE
Don't do me any favors!

MAMABEAST
Please don't...

BOTTOM LINE
I'm going to my room.

MAMABEAST
Now look what you did!

BASKETCASE
I didn't do anything!

BOTTOM LINE
Ingrate!

BASKETCASE
Loser!

MAMABEAST
Stop it! (pause) You two are going to get along and we are going to have a nice afternoon and I don't want to hear anything else about it. I've made a roast for lunch and my special potatoes and I don't want any more of this kind of talk from either one of you. Understand? (pause) We always manage to scrape by. Always. Even if you didn't make much, I don't need much, just a gallon of ammonia and some sponges, the rats took all my sponges again.

BOTTOM LINE
The rats are back?

MAMABEAST
They never left.

BASKETCASE
I need some stuff too.

BOTTOM LINE
You don't need anything.

BASKETCASE
Yes I do.

BOTTOM LINE
What do you need?

BASKETCASE
The leg came off my dog, I need a new one.

BOTTOM LINE
For Christ's sake!

BASKETCASE
Yes, and this time I don't want a sissy dog, I want a big one, with fangs.

BOTTOM LINE
I am not getting you a new dog.

BASKETCASE
Why not?

BOTTOM LINE
If you didn't treat this one so badly he'd be just fine.

BASKETCASE
He was old.

BOTTOM LINE
You never liked him in the first place, you broke him on purpose.

BASKETCASE
Did not!

BOTTOM LINE
Did too!

BASKETCASE
I don't ask for much, you could get me a new dead dog. My birthday's coming up.

BOTTOM LINE
It is not.

BASKETCASE
It's just a dead dog!

BOTTOM LINE
No!

A loud buzzer. The red light over Door #2 starts flashing.

MAMABEAST
Oh my! He's waking up!

Everyone freezes. All eyes are focused on Door #2. The door slowly opens and the NAKED CHICK walks out.

BASKETCASE
(whispered) Look at that!

MAMABEAST
(whispered) A girl!

BOTTOM LINE
(whispered) She's naked!

BASKETCASE
(whispered) Would you take a look at that!

MAMABEAST
(whispered) A lovely young girl!

All eyes return to Door #2, light still flashing. A pause. A loud snore. Door slams shut, light on again at full.

BOTTOM LINE
Damn.

MAMABEAST
Another false alarm.

A pause.

NAKED CHICK
Excuse me, but do you have any coffee? (dead silence, shock) I could really use a cup of coffee.

Another dead silence. More shock.

BASKETCASE
The nerve!

BOTTOM LINE
She wants a cup of coffee!

BASKETCASE
Who does she think she is!

BOTTOM LINE
To stand there, naked, in another person's house and ask for a cup of coffee!

A pause.

MAMABEAST
I'll get you a cup of coffee.

BOTTOM LINE
You're going to get her a cup of coffee?!

MAMABEAST
That's what I said, isn't it?

NAKED CHICK
Thank you.

MAMABEAST
Don't mention it, I've just made a fresh pot. (she leads the NAKED CHICK towards the kitchen) Come with me sweetheart, my kitchen is down here. I have regular and decaf, but I don't suppose you want the decaf, nobody ever does, I really only make that for myself. Now watch your step, it's a little tricky down here...

The two women exit into the kitchen.

BASKETCASE
Imagine that!

BOTTOM LINE
As little as we have,

BASKETCASE
Something actually happened.

BOTTOM LINE
To offer a complete naked stranger a cup of coffee!

A pause.

BASKETCASE
What do you know about that.

Another pause.

BOTTOM LINE
He's never going to wake up.

BASKETCASE
Probably not.

BOTTOM LINE
He's been in there for months now! And the other one, forget about him, he's probably dead by now.

BASKETCASE
Oh he's alive.

BOTTOM LINE
How would you know?

BASKETCASE
I know.

A pause.

BOTTOM LINE
You know what I think? I think he doesn't have it in him anymore, I think he stays locked up in there 'cause he's all washed up.

BASKETCASE
You think so?

BOTTOM LINE
And why is it he always gets the girl? It's just not fair. I mean, he smells, he doesn't shave, he's not in shape, he's not in style, he's got the worst case of dandruff I've ever seen, and he still gets the damned girl! I'm out there working my ass off and I don't get jack shit squat! I've got half a mind to go in there and beat the crap out of him!

BASKETCASE
You wouldn't dare!

BOTTOM LINE
Somebody should do it.

A beat.

BASKETCASE
You know, it's been years since we had a good fight around here.

BOTTOM LINE
Yeah, well, it's been years since we had anything good around here.

The MAMABEAST and the NAKED CHICK return from the kitchen.

MAMABEAST
Of course we didn't used to live here, we had a house, a lovely house, white. I had a little flower garden out back, could grow anything there, but we had a few problems with the business, you know business isn't what it used to be, and then of course I lost my figure and we had to move in here. We do alright though, I can't grow a flower to save my life, and my hair is falling out, oh I used to have such lovely hair, just like yours, long and full and gold...

BASKETCASE
You never had hair like that!

MAMABEAST
What do you know about what I was? What kind of hair I had?

BASKETCASE
I know you never had hair like that!

MAMABEAST
(ignoring him) Would you like to stay for lunch?

BOTTOM LINE
Mama!

MAMABEAST
What?

BOTTOM LINE
You can't ask her to stay!

MAMABEAST
Why not?

BOTTOM LINE
We never ask anyone to stay!

MAMABEAST
But I've never had a girl to take care of before. I want to keep her.

Beat.

BOTTOM LINE
You don't just "keep" a person, especially a naked person.

MAMABEAST
Why not?

BOTTOM LINE
What will the neighbors say?

BASKETCASE
We don't have any neighbors.

BOTTOM LINE
Well we might get some, and then what?

BASKETCASE
Nobody has neighbors anymore.

MAMABEAST
Nobody would have to know.

BOTTOM LINE
I don't care, you can't just keep a person.

NAKED CHICK
It happens all the time.

A pause.

BOTTOM LINE
It does?

NAKED CHICK
Yes.

MAMABEAST
There. It's all settled.

BOTTOM LINE
No it is not all settled! (pause) We would all have to agree.

BASKETCASE
I think she's pretty.

BOTTOM LINE
And she would have to put some clothes on.

BASKETCASE
Why?

BOTTOM LINE
We can't afford to feed her.

MAMABEAST
She wouldn't eat much.

BASKETCASE
C'mon, it would be a change, something different.

BOTTOM LINE
But what would she do? She would have to do something.

BASKETCASE
She does something for me.

BOTTOM LINE
I mean something useful!

A pause.

NAKED CHICK
There's nowhere else for me to go.

Another pause.

MAMABEAST
There. You see? We can't turn her out in the cold!

BOTTOM LINE
It's eighty degrees outside!

BASKETCASE
Where's your decency!

BOTTOM LINE
Like you ever had any decency!

MAMABEAST
It'll be nice, to do something for somebody, it'd be human of us!

BASKETCASE
How often do we get the chance?

BOTTOM LINE
Yeah, but for once I want someone to do something for me. What can you do for me?

NAKED CHICK
I can fuck.

A pause. The BOTTOM LINE grabs the NAKED CHICK's hand and drags her behind Door #3 without another word.

MAMABEAST
(yelling after them) She's going to have to eat something!

Door #3 slams shut, light on at full. A sudden burst of rodent laughter erupts as another hook descends from the ceiling, snagging the dead dog and whisking it off.

BASKETCASE
What the hell?!

MAMABEAST
The rats.

BASKETCASE
Up in the ceiling?

MAMABEAST
Of course they're up in the ceiling. They're everywhere! I've been telling you for ages.

BASKETCASE
My dog! They took my dead dog!

MAMABEAST
Nobody ever listens to the crazy old lady.

BASKETCASE
The nerve! To steal my dead dog!

MAMABEAST
You didn't like him anyway.

BASKETCASE
That's not the point! I won't stand for it! I just won't stand for it!

The BASKETCASE grabs red cord #2.

MAMABEAST
You're not going to wake him up?!

BASKETCASE
Watch me!

The BASKETCASE pulls red cord #2. A loud buzzer sounds, followed by a series of bells, the red light over Door #2 starts flashing wildly, crashing sounds within.

MAMABEAST
He's isn't going to like this.

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